Keep your dreams alive
by LJB89
Summary: In life it is the what ifs that give us most to wonder about. This is a story to explore the what-ifs of the Fault in our Stars- to explore love, life and death. I loved John Green's story and was inspired to re-imagine it myself. I hope you enjoy it.
1. Chapter 1

Obviously I do not own The Fault in our Stars- I give my deepest respect and gratitude to John Green for writing such an amazing story and inspiring me so much.

Drenched in sweat, gasping for air I woke up- my heart beating faster than I think it had ever before. The gasping was party because I had fallen asleep without my BiPaP. Frantically thrashing about the bed in the pitch dark room in sheer terror, I hit something.

"Ouch- Hazel Grace?"

"Oh my god. Thank God. Thank you thank you thank you".

"What's wrong?" A now wide awake Augustus Waters said with an intense amount of anguish in his voice, a sound of petrification.

"Thank god, thank you so much god" I repeated, tears beginning to stream down my face, my breaths shallow and rapid, sobs and more praises the lord being uttered. I collapsed into Augustus' gallant chest, putting my ear to his chest, desperately searching for a soothing influence to calm my fear- I found it- the deep thump thump thump of his heartbeat. He was Alive, he was still there.

"What's wrong Hazel?" He urged, his voice near breaking- something I had never heard before. I just kept sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tight into his chest- the warmth and comfort of his heartbeat calming me.

"I'm here, I'm here" he urged.

I just looked up, my eyes bloodshot and wet, my cannula dripping with fluid from my nose. "I love you" I said. "I love you" I repeated, over and over.

"I love you too Hazel Grace" he said, still worried "What's wrong?"

"I...I...I dreamt" I didn't want to complete the line, a paralysing fear that my dream might have been a premonition.

"You dreamt what?"

"That you…that you" I burst out in tears again. He knew.

"Hazel Grace, you're the one who's dying- I'm riding a roller coaster that only goes up, remember?" He said with a slight scoff. I tried a chuckle, but was still so worked up.

"You're…you're not…in recurrence?" I finally asked.

"There's life in these bones yet" He answered, smiling.

"But your shoulder- the winces?"

"A disadvantage of only having one leg, sometimes you fall down" He tried to sooth me, rubbing my back, holding me against his bare chest.

"Oh…thank god. I love you so much" I cried, looking up at him.

"Hazel Grace, my stunning beauty has caused many girls to lapse into controllable bouts of crying, but none have ever looked as beautiful as you"

That's why I loved him.

"Hang on", I said, finally regaining some composure "What time is it!" It was 3am Amsterdam time.

"Your mother called earlier looking for you, hours ago – I told her you'd lost your key and needed to rest, that you'd come up here and that it would be cruel to wake you" Augustus recounted with the sort of proud smugness that came over him when he spoke of his fabulous charm deceptions.

"She agreed but insisted several bottles of oxygen be brought up, just in case, and that you go to be hooked up to the BiPaP as soon as you awoke".

"So she. Came in here?" I said, alarmed as I realised my state of undress.

"No no" Augustus chuckled "Wanted to protect your modesty"

"Oh please"

"Alright, not wanting to cover your stunning body" he continued "I insisted on fetching the bottles from your room myself"

"Mother agreed to that?"

"Well it was either that or wake a sleeping angel, which I'm far too much of a gentleman to do – or dress a sleeping angel, which I had neither the inclination nor the creeper credentials to achieve"

I chuckled "You are something else Augustus Waters" He just reached for some tissues and leant down to clear the tears from my eyes, my face still pressed against his chest.

"I certainly am" He beamed his crooked smile and all my fears seemed to melt away.

"Hang on" I finally said "So you didn't go down to my room…dressed like that!"

"Hazel Grace, I intend the memories of this trip to last for my lifetime, I don't want being arrested for indecent exposure to be one of them" Saying such a thing as only he could.

"You just had to get naked when you got back into bed?" I said, bemused.

"Well…I didn't want you to feel immodest" He grinned.

"Indeed" I said, my voice trailing.

"Your dream must have been really bad?" My sweet Augustus asked- his love so obvious.

"It was…but I don't want to talk about it…I just want to forget and to be with you here." With that I nuzzled into his chest again- I never wanted to let go.

"Alright" He said slightly confused, but accepting. "I love you"

"I know".

For the longest while we just stayed like that- reviling in the quite pleasure of our own company. It was as if the universe had faded away into the nothing and we were two stars floating in space. The perfect satisfaction of silence, Augustus' heartbeat helping to calm me from the most awful dream imaginable- A world without Augustus. It was selfish I knew, to want to hold on to him forever- inevitably forcing him to bear witness to my own untimely death. But humans are by nature a selfish bunch and as much as I tried to be different, I did care- nothing is harder than letting go of the one you love.

Finally, I spoke "It took my believing I had lost you to realise how much I needed you. How I'll have you forever"

"I know exactly how you feel, Hazel Grace"

"You snuck into the ICU, didn't you?"

"You know?"

"It came to me in my dream….as part of the most wonderful things you wrote…that I read after you…after you" I began sobbing again.

"I'm perfect in all realties my dear" He said, chuckling- his slight arrogance with his crooked smile always made me feel better.

"Now" He continued "Perhaps we should get you back to your mother"

"Maybe- though I'd like to just stay here with you"

"I've heard worse ideas".

What do you think? I haven't written anything in almost 3 years and reading the fault in our stars has inspired me to try and write again. I would love some feedback and encouragement to go on – if anyone is interested in my imagining an alternative universe where Augustus didn't die.

I think it would be interesting to imagine a context where Hazel and Gus could discuss his eulogy and for the story to continue – would anyone be interested in that? Please let me know.

Best wishes.


	2. Chapter 2

Eventually Augustus drifted off to sleep but I was unable- aside from my crappy lungs generally being crappy, especially with my anxiety and heavy breathing after waking up, there was still a great deal of anxiousness on my part surrounding my vision of the nightmare.

After lying next to a now ever so slightly snoring Augustus for a while I checked my oxygen tank – I would soon need a chance and at any rate, I shouldn't sleep without a BiPaP. I took one last look at my sleeping over, he looked so peaceful, I tried to put any thoughts of what might be going on inside his body aside and kissed him on the forehead before getting out of bed and quietly getting dressed. I snuck into my room to find my mother sitting in the old chair, fast asleep – she had obviously been waiting for me to return. She looked…peaceful. At any rate I didn't want to wake her so I grabbed a blanket from a small cupboard and gently placed it over her, she stirred a little but did not wake.

I myself then crawled into bed, connected myself to the BiPap and revelled in not having to worry about breathing. It may sound weird, but when you have such crappy, cancer riddled lungs, you have to _think _about breathing…it isn't that I'm not able to focus on other things of course, but I have to always be mindful of my lungs, my drowning lungs. Drowning was an apt description for my night really- aside from the physical aspect of the fluid in my lungs, I was drowning in the emotion of the horrible nightmare, the prospect of losing Augustus and also drowning in the emotion of love I felt for him. Of course I already knew somehow I loved him, but until this afternoon in the Anne Frank house I had tried to keep my distance, to prevent him the pain of my inevitable, premature death. But now, my horrible nightmare, believing so vividly that I had lost him, made me realise that neither of us would be happy by denying our love.

It wasn't even that we had had sex- I mean, physicality is just physicality…but it was so tender and him so loving – all of this, his bringing me the Netherlands, being there for me when my idol turned out to be a douchebag. There was no way I could not love Augustus Waters and even though I am a grenade I know that all existence is temporary, mine perhaps more than his, but as nutless Patrick always makes us say, we are living our best life today. For Augustus and I our best life is to not deny us the pleasure of love.

Slowly as my dragon heaved I drifted off to sleep…

I awoke several hours later- I could tell it was late in the morning by the way the sun shone through the window onto the ancient chair and across the rug. Mother had left the chair and crawled into bed with me at some point- her head was pressed against my collarbone in a vaguely and slightly uncomfortably Augustinian way.

I sort of groaned and pushed against her  
"Morning sleepy head" she said

"Cancer makes you sleepy" I said back, still half asleep.

"So does staying out half the night with your boyfriend" She retorted, but in a jocular not an angry way. I just mumbled and didn't properly respond- I didn't want to talk about any of the last night with her really.

"Let's get up- our last day in Amsterdam, have to make the most of it" She said her excitement impossible to hide, the enthusiasm and zeal for my life that cancer had induced in her. "We'll meet Gus for breakfast and head to the museum, I want to hear all about your meeting with Peter Van Houten" She continued. The supremely disappointing meeting with Peter Van Houten seemed like an eternity ago, given what happened subsequently- nonetheless though I obliged her.

"Alright- let's get going"

She helped unhook me from the BiPAP and shortly thereafter we left for breakfast at a café with Augustus.

"So tell me about your meeting Peter Van Houten!" my excited mother asked- Augustus and I shot each other a sly look – before as only Augustus Waters could he jumped into a rapturous imitation of the thoroughly preposterous meeting the afternoon previous. Augustus slumped back in his chair and gave a dead on impression of the bitter, drunk old man and I more or less just played off him, throwing in the lines I had said in my confrontation.

I could tell that my mother was disappointed in some ways, and so was I , but we both took heart that we would not be knocked down by the bitter, twisted, drunk man, so far removed from the Peter Van Houten who had written An Imperial Affliction

As Augustus continued his ridiculous play, doing his perfect impression through his frankly sexy crooked smile, with his hair flung back and the morning sun on his perfect face I couldn't help but laugh, almost until I couldn't breath – admittedly for me that doesn't take too much – it was a deep laugh and as he lulled in his impression I calmed down, only my lungs didn't seem to entirely get the measure – for what seemed a little too long I wasn't able to catch my breath, a slight tightness in my chest – I put it down to the unusually strenuous aerobic activities of the past days and discretely adjusted my oxygen flow – I put it out of my mind.

"Well, ladies, what is our agenda for the day?" Smooth as anything Augustus asked after finishing laughing at his own humour. At this point my mother's boarderline control freak, live-every-moment, side jumped to the fore.

"We simply must go to the Rikjsmuseum" She said

"Why don't you go on and explore the town a bit- I'm feeling a bit light headed and would like to freshen up" I said, mother looked a little disappointed so I quickly added "I'll meet you at the Rikjsmuseum in 3 hours" which would make it 1pm.

"Alright- do you want me to come back to the room with you?" She said – I quickly glanced at Augustus

"No, I'll be fine – please, enjoy yourself – I'll see you in not too long"

"Alright" She said "What will you do Gus?" she added after turning to him

"I'm feeling I should freshen up as well – I'll head to my room and meet you two ladies later" She said before knocking his (real) leg against mine, not overly suggestively, but enough to send an electric bolt down my spine.

Augustus and I walked the short distance back to the hotel together – my lungs didn't seem to have fully recovered from the bout of laughter and I had a slight twinge in my leg, I tried to put them out on my mind- but It meant I wasn't able to fully focus on what Augustus was saying – something about the metaphorical resonance of the sun having come out the day after having had our imagined version of Peter Van Houten smashed.

Noticing my lack of concentration he asked "Are you alright Hazel Grace?"

"Okay" I replied - still focusing on walking – I convinced myself it was getting easier.

"Really?" he enquired with an ounce of concern in his voice

"Just thinking and all this exercise lately hasn't done my lungs a great deal of good" I replied trying to reassure him that nothing was wrong – I hoped it wasn't.

"Oh really, did I tire Hazel Grace out last night?" He shot, slyly.

I rolled my eyes at him "Oh get over yourself" I smiled and chuckled.

When we finally arrived at my room I was breathing quite heavily

"Sit down" Augustus said – I sat on the edge of the bed, trying to catch my breath – it wasn't too bad – I gave myself a slight increase in oxygen flow to assist while he fetched me a glass of water.

"Thanks"

"Are you sure you're alright Hazel Grace, I'm worried" He said, more concern in his voice this time – Augustus and I hadn't spent this much of an extended period together before so he was not totally familiar with the ups and downs of my illness – obviously of course my stint in the ICU had greatly worried him, but I was certainly not in that sort of worry at this moment.

"Did you ever visit me in the ICU?" I suddenly asked, thinking of the dream last night.

"How did you know?" He replied "I hope you don't mind" he trailed off – before the dream I might have minded more.

"I dreamt about it last night…I didn't want you to see me like that"

"Hazel Grace…I…I thought I might never get a chance to see you again, so I snuck in" He said, for the first time I heard his voice quivering ever so slightly as his crooked smile turned flat, a sad looking smile but not a frown.

"I didn't want to be a grenade…like Caroline Mathers"

"Hazel Grace…I'm in love with you and sometimes love means getting hurt and its cliché, but I honestly believe that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

"That is cliché" I smiled back at him.

"Remember when you were a kid" He continued "And you'd find somewhere with a fantastic echo?"

"Yeah"

"Well don't you think the echo chamber is more fun when you've got more than once voice bouncing around in there?"

I smiled, I knew what he meant.

"That's what I feel about you Hazel Grace – all of life is just a shout into the void of oblivion – but as long as I'm going to should I'd like to hear your voice bouncing around with mine" Augustus could be mushy as hell sometimes, but it was very deep as well.

"I love you" I said and he practically bounded onto the bed, knocking me onto my back and he lay beside me and kissed my forehead.

"Care to join me in the echo chamber of eternity?" He asked

"I couldn't dream of a better way to spend the moment in eternity we have" .

Well – I'm very sorry that it's been almost 2 weeks since the first chapter- I've gotten very busy with having to read textbooks and write super boring notes!

I hope you like this chapter though – I'm very appreciative of all the reviews of chapter one and I hope I get more from this one too! I particularly want to thank those of you who review without signing in because I personally reply to the signed reviews to thank them.

I hope I've captured Hazel better in this chapter- I found that I relate to Gus much more as a character and feel that I can capture him a lot more – perhaps I will write another fan fiction from the PoV of Gus.

Anyway guys- let me know what you think and feel free to message me here or on twitter if you like (liam_barry89)

DFTBA.


End file.
